How are you kids? As you can see, I’m just beaut. Actually, and this may come as quite a shock, I in fact do my own makeup and hair. I know, incredible! You’d think I’d hired a professional! I’ve always been blessed with natural beauty. And coupled with my girlish figure it’s hardly surprising I have to fight off maulers with my Zimmer frame!
My nephew Jeremy (or Rasta-Dude as his friends call him for some baffling reason) put together these exciting pages of my well-worn wisdom, because quite frankly you deadbeats out there need all the help you can get.Here’s my first piece of advice: try not to turn into a loopdeloo nutbag. It’s not difficult, just keep yourself nice. Oh and look out for my Bonza Tips – they’re useful!
Now ladies and gents, kids, hippies, ne’er-do-wells, woolly woofters and women from the Island of Comfortable Footwear, let’s get serious. Many things concern me: unemployment, incorrect bus timetables and the fact that young people are all lazy and stupid. Did you know a teenager’s idea of an outfit these days is a pair of thongs and a boob tube? Well it is and it’s hardly enough to cover a bee’s shame. How they haven’t all died of pneumonia is a mystery to me (and a great pity). In my day boobs didn’t belong in tubes. They belonged in a nylon blouse or a hair shirt and only came out
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when it was appropriate. Say on a wedding night, in a maternity ward or when a person was being embalmed. Some of you might think I’m some past-it old fuddy duddy. Well you’re entitled to your opinion, you dunderheaded birdbrains. Get bent! Besides getting older is not all ear whiskers and sagging dewlaps. There are actually a number of winning benefits. Such as:
• With the onset of bunions and arthritis your gloves and shoes will take on interesting and fun shapes.
• Your vocabulary will vastly improve. For example: Colonoscopy – I didn’t know that word until yesterday, but I know all about it now.
• If you’re drunk and disorderly in public, people just think you’ve had a stroke. Isn’t that handy?
See? Bet you can’t wait to be my age now!!! |
