Ethel Chop was born some time last century. Or perhaps the century before. She can’t remember. Her wisdom and no-nonsense attitude to life was born from living through two wars and the depression. Even now she can whip up a tasty stew from a pigs ear and a truck tyre quicker than she can say “All teenagers should be shot.”

Ethel's late husband Reginald Horace Chop went to war in 1939 and came back an amputee, which Ethel believes should be a warning to anyone thinking of taking an international holiday.

She is an advocate for neck to knee polyester. “I not only look beaut but I’m warm as toast. Never get sick and I never get sick thoughts.”

Ethel believes Australia’s lagging economy could get a major boost with the re-introduction of child labour. “If you keep their hands busy they might stop fiddling with their privates 24/7.”

She distrusts beards and modern technology. “My Aunt Bertha had a beard and she ended up in the Nuthouse. And as for that newfangled contraption The Brassiere, if you ask me it’s just another way for loose women to get their rocks off. It stands to reason: a garment that boasts of lifting and separating is not something a ‘lady’ should want touching her bosom.”

Ethel would like it known that at the time these photos were taken, instead of wasting her pension on a professional stylist, she did her own make-up and hair. Hard to believe isn’t it? Ethel travels all over Australia delivering her words of wisdom. In 2002 Ethel reluctantly travelled to Edinburgh where she wooed crowds with her beauty and commonsense.

Ethel's Quotable Quotes

“When I was young I was so innocent, I didn’t even know what losing your virginity meant. If someone had said hymen to me I probably would have said ‘Yes, and peace be with you’.”

“My doctor told me to give myself a breast check. What a sicko! I’d no more fiddle with my own boosies like some narcissistic homosexualé than bark at the moon.”

“I don’t know why parents strain their vocal cords telling children off. They should just use my motto: say no to a child with a cricket bat.”

“When we were young if you were rude to an old person you were thrashed to within an inch of your life with a lamb shank, then forced to drink castor oil until your bowels exploded. That soon taught you some respect.”

“I’ve never understood gymnastics? If skipping about with hair ribbons and a hoola hoop is sport, then I’m a monkey’s colostomy bag.”

“What is going on with Angelina Jolie’s lips? They look like they’re made out of an elephant’s majora.”